movin' on...

i want a new job. i need a new job. i want to do something meaningless and mindless and perhaps even dull. something that stays neatly confined in the computer/planner/office and does not threaten to follow me through my personal life and "free" time. i am currently taking any and all suggestions for a new career. even better would be any and all offers for immediate gainful employment. i won't hold my breath.

those fields officially excluded from the "any and all" category are as follows:

*anything that puts me in the same room as a large group of children under the age of 7. i'm done with that.

*anything that requires me to spend long periods of time outside in the winter.

*anything that requires the phrase "please pull up to the window".

*anything that presents the possibility of contact with fecal matter

*anything that places me in close proximity to other peoples' smelly pets

otherwise, it's wide open. second impression will be accepting suggestions until a suitable solution to this career crisis has been determined. thank you.

two nights ago

i spend a lot of awake time with myself these days and the combined sleep deprivation and questionable nutritional standards have provided me with a unique, though foggy, perception of myself. you know how when you are really tired and way too lazy to cook or even tear the safety seal off of a tub of hummus, reality seems just slightly out of reach. like you can see it from here, but you’re just not part of it. i feel like that tonight. i have all these funny and jaded thoughts that i know are stranger than usual, but i can’t decide if they are more or less genuine than the stuff that happens in my head when i am fully rested and nourished.
i realized the other day that i am so flooded with my own world and my own way of living that i have absolutely no idea what is normal. some guy told me that he was going to the store to buy a bag of flour and it suddenly occurred to me that in my adult life i have never owned flour. it would never cross my mind to buy it. that day i decided that i would also buy flour during my highly anticipated trip to the grocery store. but what would i do with it? i didn’t buy it because i couldn’t think of a single reason to have it. the other adults in the conversation all had flour at their houses and didn’t really get why or how one would go through life without knowing how to use it. those people had no idea who they were dealing with. i decided not to tell them that i also don’t know what a money market is. hell, i don’t really even understand interest. but when i found out that my new checking account earns it, i really just worried that this would require more math. the ledger is hard enough for me already, i don’t know if i can work with money that just shows up.
i have lived in my apartment for over 3 1/2 months. i have used the stove/oven a combined 5 times and only two of those required the combination of two or more ingredients. ok, two, never more. and only if water counts as an ingredient. otherwise i was only heating things that were cooked by the fine people at the boca factories. and one of those times i accidentally branded a sizable gash across my forearm. the coffee pot is used at least once a day, and i run the dishwasher every time there are more than 5 dirty coffee mugs and cereal bowls, but the oven, no. this might be weird. or it might not, i don’t know. do most people actually cook? is coffee the same as cooking? and what about the toaster, she has seen some activity in the last few months. do i get cooking credit for that? never underestimate the power of genisoy and kashi to sustain human life. tonight i bought one of those rubbermaid food storage sets. multiple shapes and sizes all with matching lids. what the hell am i going to use them for?