dirty

every day something happens in this coffee house that causes me to wonder.... i wonder things like:


is this dude serious?

is this lady an idiot?

am i on candid camera?

would i ever behave in this way?

is this as funny as it seems to me?



today does not disappoint.



a man came in a few minutes ago and said to me as he waited in line, "i am going to give you a lot of pennies today, for a tip." ok.




when it was his turn at bat, he asked about the house blend. i don't know why he bothered because we both knew he was going to order it regardless of what i said about it. this he confirmed for me by not listening to my description at all and just ordering it anyway. i poured the man's coffee and when i brought it back to the counter, he dumped a pound and a half of pennies, nickels and dimes out of the cup holder liner from his van. after a momentary hesitation and glance at his mound o' change, he looked up at me and said, "actually, i am kind of in a hurry. whatever is left is yours." and he slid the whole pile across the counter toward me.



here is what i know about change that collects in large sums, especially in cars: as a collective unit, it acquires myriad life substances, most of which i don't want to touch. i looked at my new-found wealth and all i could think of was the fact that this pile of metal is full of pocket lint and pet hair and hand sweat and dead skin and sneezes and hair oils and countless life remnants that i wouldn't even want to fathom. touching all of it in order to count out 190 of his dirty little pennies was so not on my agenda for the day. i promptly pushed the collection into a paper cup which would become my new change collection and paid for his coffee with dollars from the tip jar. i think i'll let the change counter at the bank deal with the chewing gum shrapnel and pubic hair. machines don't mind that kind of thing.

irritants

among today's minor irritations...

1. a news blip in the local paper informing me that two wal-mart employees had their nuptials performed in the workplace somewhere in one of the vowel states. why is this news? two years ago, two men got married in my backyard. is that news? the most troubling element for me-- this is not even the first news article i have read about two wal-mart employees marrying each other in the wal-mart store. you just don't forget stupid shit like that.

2. a very high maintenance woman tried to order herself some coffee today. she introduced herself to me by informing me that she tried to drink the coffee that was being served at her work meeting this morning and she "nearly gagged, it was so strong." i knew i was in for trouble with this one, if watery folgers was a problem for her. she ordered coffee and asked me to put vanilla syrup in it. then i nearly gagged. a few minutes later, her friend brought the coffee back to the counter... "we're trying to make this drinkable. she hates the taste of coffee." she asked me to add water and more vanilla. sick. there are some things these women should know... first, this cup of coffee was rendered fucking disgusting by virtue of being flavored by something most people associate with candles and aerosol air fresheners. adding more will not improve it. second, if you hate the taste of coffee, don't fucking order coffee. not rocket science people. that's why we have 4 full panels of shit you can order and only one of them is full of coffee suggestions. have a fucking glass of milk. vanilla milk.

3. i have previously shared with my reader my intolerance for perpetual mumbling. today a young woman came to the counter and ordered an iced latte. that part was clear to me. then she said, "yumanatwaskimmit, right?" "pardon me," i leaned closer, gesturing a problem understanding her words. "yumanatwaskimmit, right?" even quieter this time. "i still didn't hear you." "yumanatwaskimmit?" same volume. turns out this woman was trying to find out if it was my intention to make her iced latte with skim milk. it wasn't, so it was good that she asked. speak up and speak clearly people. next time i might just make it with half and half.

4. to top of the first half of the morning, just after yumanatwaskimmit left, in an ironic twist of events, the locker room announcer came in. (see post under title "the announcer") i was just about done with annoyances, so it was good that her only faux pas today was to be excessively grateful to me for leaving room in her coffee cup for some cream. really, lady, it isn't that hard to do.