jackass meter

an old dude came into the coffee house today with a younger woman, perhaps his daughter. while standing at the counter, he said to her, explicitly for my benefit, "you women have gotten out of control." this in response to her gesture toward paying for their coffee. why do things like this have to happen? and why am i not allowed to tell him how big of an asshole i think he is? i think he is excessively annoying and i should be able to tell him. but i can't, i have to feign humor and try to force at least half of a smile. well, i think according to the social script in this situation, i am supposed to force a smile. of course, i don't. it's no longer in me to act as though stupid shit is funny or homophobic comments are ok or racist attitudes are forgivable. i didn't laugh at his dumb joke and i didn't look up and smile at him apologetically as i was likely expected to. because i can't. this is one of the reasons that i am losing my aptitude for service more and more each day. i can't play along anymore. so i just look like a humorless asshole and that is ok with me. but i really do think i should just be allowed, expected, in fact, to respond honestly. the conversation should look like this:

jackass: you know, you women have gotten out of control.

me: that's a dumb fucking thing to say. what about that is funny to you? why are you so fucking obnoxious? will you please go to hell now?

i know, it seems a bit extreme. but i should get to say it. because somebody should. if i were independently wealthy and never had to work for another person in my life, i would make it my life's work to travel around the world telling people precisely when they are being fuckheads and i would offer detailed explanations regarding my perception. i would keep my world balanced by also telling people exactly when i think they are being totally awesome. i do see that in people too. i just have a very sensitive jackass meter. and there are a lot of people i want to send to hell. but hey, at least in my fantasy conversation i said "please" when i suggested it.

september

on september 10th, i began to write a short bit about september 11, 2001 for no other reason than i had never done it before. i have almost never talked about that day and i had never put pen to paper in reference to it, so i thought i would try. the effort was a massive failure from the first line. i'm not exactly sure what the over-arching problem is, but it seems likely that i have almost nothing to say about that day. strangely enough, i actually do remember it. i remember so little, but that day -- my thoughts and reactions, i do recall. but they seem so solipsistic. the whole idea of a story about me that takes place on that day... just feels unnecessary. so i probably won't finish writing it. i had to try because i hadn't and it felt important. but much like this blog entry, the result was going to be pointless and empty.

superior manly specimen

a man came into the coffee house today who was just plain wrong in every possible way. every possible way. first he looked like a man i know from the bar who is a complete asshole. second, he was wearing a bluetooth. my long time reader (sara) knows exactly how i feel about these fucking things. the only reason i know what it is called today is that i just got done reading post secret and there was a postcard about a bluetooth. anyway, he was wearing one and i had to hate him immediately for that. only a little, but i had to. next on the long list of wrongs for this individual was the fact that as he approached the counter i could smell the unmistakable assault of humidity sweat. he smelled a little like a humid sock. here's the kicker-- the reason i could smell his humidity-- he was wearing his shirt unbuttoned. all the way. just wide open. it was humid chest hair that i was smelling!!! oh my god sick! what the hell am i supposed to do about that? as if this list isn't long enough already, he was also extremely high maintenance and not apologetic about it. rude. that's what he was. rude and entitled and fucking stinky. i could tell that this guy for sure believes himself to be extremely important. then when he finally got away from the counter and sat down at a table, i could hear him on his cell phone. of course i could hear him, he's a cell phone shouter. number seven on the list. he was on the phone with someone that i am certain everyone in the coffee house was supposed to understand is his subordinate. the kind of person who, in this man's world, can simply be talked at and instructed without the hassle of give and take. i initially thought that he was leaving a voice mail message because he just kept talking then when he had to do a short rewind and repeat of one of his orders, presumably because the person on the other end of the conversation had the audacity to try to speak, i realized that he was actually talking to a living person.

i don't think he and i are going to be friends. he's the kind of guy who would kick pigeons.

ready

well my new pink laptop has finally arrived. and i finally have time to use it. life is good. now i can go back to being a bloggin' fool. i have been so disoriented without my computer, i nearly forgot who i am and what i am supposed to be doing. but i think i got it back now. and in the meantime, since i had lots of time to socialize, i have been so blessed as to discover that the very best most beautiful wonderful bright funny woman in the world has been lingering on the sidelines of my life for several years now. all i needed was the time to learn just how amazing she is, and the deal is sealed. now she is front and center in my world and i couldn't be happier about it. just when i thought things were better than i ever would have dared to ask for... i find the one thing, the one person, the one addition to my life that makes it whole. i have never felt so good about so many things. the world looks like a better place to me. the people i meet seem nicer and more tolerable. this relationship just pulls all the pieces into one tidy package. she told me the other day that i have to "find my greatness.". with all other things in order and a gentler approach to life and myself, i think it is time to get on with that.