this one's all sara!

as i was rifling through scores of old photographs looking for the pic of sara hiding in the stuffed animal kingdom (which i found and uploaded to its rightful post) i discovered an impressive pattern in my birthday party/sleepover photos. through the years, the clothing styles change a bit and random friends, some of whom i can't identify to save my life, gently glide into and out of their respective ugly phases, but some things remain the same. sara will always be right at my side and apparently she will also always be leaning into or against me. i had never before noticed that she had this tendency, but as i consider the implications i recall sara frequently discussing her intimidation and immense shyness when she found herself surrounded by larger groups of often older friends. i had no memory of her behaving in a way that would have indicated this, but she always said it. she always seemed very confident and self-assured. she always wanted to beat up randy! shy girls don't beat up randy. okay, that isn't exactly true. my entire childhood is based on foodchain aggression and every kid is aware of it. not every kid is aware of her/his place in it, but we all knew the deal. the big strong mean kid picks on the weaker kid who picks on the ugly kid who picks on the fat kid who seeks out for destruction the poor kid who has at his disposal the theater kid who, fearing discovery tries to humiliate the obvious gay kid who is left with two options: kill the younger siblings or wait 15 years and display a more impressive vocabulary and sense of fashion, better social skills and far superior intellect. and of course the kind of confidence and passion for decency that only a lifetime of battles from the bottom of the food chain can inspire. it is important for me to understand my world in this way. i will not be convinced that things are otherwise. at any point in the chain of aggression, there are numerous "sweet" kids who at any time could fall victim to any of the other kids because they are easy targets. sara wasn't bad and randy didn't deserve to get beat up. he was just too sweet. he was obvious prey on our block.






okay, back to my point. as in every part of my childhood on south 22nd street, sara secures a starring role in all of my birthday photos. in one, she is even positioned on the little green couch seemingly providing some prop handling or gift arrangement of some kind. the couch is clearly otherwise reserved for the birthday girl, party-goers looking on in suspense (boys in the back row, it would seem telling if we hadn't been at that age when every girl reserves the 'back row' of her life for the boys her mother makes her play with). each child wondering who was going to give a better present than the one their mother picked out yesterday without consultation. everyone waiting intently...sara, hand her my present next! wait, no...not yet. what if kristi's present is better? do i want mine to come before or after the best present...wait...i don't know what to hope for...maybe i was the only child who experienced this agony at birthday parties. but i doubt it. this array of photos also reveals that sara and i, or more likely our mothers) mistakenly believed we were identical twins. matching yellow dresses, pink pants and white shirts, matching headbands with bows which i think we would both admit today never should have happened upon any child's head.
upon close observation, one will notice that sara even occupied the seat of secondary royalty at mike's birthday party once. i don't appear to have been invited and sean must have been mad at mike because i don't see him in the picture either. it is clearly mike's birthday party and there sits sara and her little round piggy tails and little round cheeks. clearly they were destined to be married some day. for the record, i think sara just liked to be closest to the cake and the presents, and according the documentation my mother kept with her ever-present polaroid camera, she consistently positioned herself with skill and precision.