love, janis

this morning i woke up late. like 1045 or so. i can do that on my days off and i almost always do. i generally hate myself for missing so much of the day when i do this. i think i am permanently plagued by my mother's voice exclaiming, "half the day is gone, now!" every time i overslept as a child/teen. of course she is right and so i quietly grieve the passing of the first half of my day as i muster up the energy to tackle the coffee pot. i also spend most of my days off in my house alone. i don't know if this is standard or just me and my unique social circle, but when i spend too much time alone i start to feel a little bit crazy. the mental illness is compounded by over-sleeping. i find myself doing strange things when i don't have to go to work. and i generally recognize them as weird, yet i believe that i am truly incapable of not doing them. ~ this morning i channeled janis joplin. i got out of the shower and as i was putting together clothing that could be summated as something universally acknowledged as an "outfit", i suddenly found myself belting out "busted flat in baton rouge...waitin' for a train...when i's feelin' near as faded as my jeans..." i couldn't stop! even when i somehow lost the lyrics of the next verse, i would just continue at the same confident volume and sing the first verse on a loop. (second verse! same as the first!) i was unstoppable! the concert continued as i jumped into my stretch jeans (which janis would TOTALLY wear if she were still alive even though she would be like 60) as i rounded the corner to my bathroom, i must have hit a bump because the disc skipped and i suddenly was blathering on about wanting a mercedes benz. every person in the universe thinks that they do a perfect rendition of janis's live performance of this song. i, solely, am right about that. i was singing so hard i couldn't really breathe. which naturally makes a joplin performance even more believable. she was always trying to catch her breath. ~ a fact that only a select few know about me: i have always fancied myself born for broadway. i know that i am a natural performer, but for that severe anxiety and social phobia... god damned DSM-IV screws up all my plans! anyway. if one could be a master live theatre performer on desire and energy alone... i am your girl. since it seems to require also talent and social self-assuredness, my mind-blowing revues shall continue to be confined to my days off. but for the record..."with what i got in me! i coulda been better than any of 'em!"