"it's really coffee-ey"

i work part time at a coffee shop. a real one. a good one. i really do this for two primary reasons: one: socialization--groovy people come here and i like to talk to them. two: discount-- my budget would never allow for my daily coffee habit without at least a 50% discount on every beverage. my other job keeps my metabolism up and spacial awareness intact. this job gives me a ticket to the fuel necessary for the former. that's not what this post is about, however... tonight i would like to tell a story of a tall thin college-ey type thing who will from this moment forward define the concept of "that girl". there are a lot of ways to be "that girl", we all know that. here is one way to do it at a coffee house.

here is a dramatic written re-enactment of the copnversation that i hope contains my entire relationship with this darling. (speaking of re-enactments...i have to digress as i always do, to note something that can only be described as fucking dumb. i was watching A&E or TLC or Discovery or some channel that fits a similar genre this afternoon. there was a story about a pediatrician who became committed to learning about a mummified Egyptian woman who had been in a Canadian museum for several decades. she was still in the sarcophagus and this doc was running her through a CT scan. there was a segment of the show that discussed the assumed manner of preparation for mummyhood and it showed a woman's body being buried i sand, annointed with oils and wrapped in cloth strips. presumably the ceremony on display is thousands of years old. in the upper left hand corner of my viewing screen appears the word "re-enactment". Really? this isn't original, one-of-a-kind, rare footage of a 5th century mummification? is this notice really all that necessary? i don't know why this kind of shit pisses me off so much but i think it has something to do with being a part of an audience for which life is "dummed-down" to a point of utter disbelief. is there a genuine concern that this note on the screen is necessary so some fuck-flake out there doesn't sue the channel for emotional distress resulting from a misleading segment depicting what he thought to be the actual dressing of a rEEAl mummy? is it even possible that there is even one person out there who upon witnessing the depiction would not make the immediate leap to "re-enactment". and by the way... that person is not watching the learning channel.

end of digression. now for the conversation with sweetums.
that girl: (entering the coffee shop, she approaches the counter):do you have vanilla bean?
hot witty barista (that's me): we...have...vanilla flavored syrup, if that is what you are looking for.
TG: ummm...yeah i guess i am. i want that.
HWB: do you mean that you want a vanilla latte? (i am already sure i don't like her, and i am thinking of how much fun it would be to just sell her a cup of vanilla (bean) syrup. but i contain my desires.)
TG: Yea-uh. (sound like "du-uh")
HWB: what size would you like?
TG: (appears puzzled at the suggestion...) what? um...what is that one, (pointing)
HWB: (increasingly irritated for no precise reason) that is a 20 ounce cup.
TG: what else is there?
HWB: we have 12,16 or 20 ounce cups. (lifting and displaying each as their identities are revealed.)
TG: what is the difference between those two? (pointing with her index and middle fingers at the 16 ounce cup and the 20 ounce cup.)
HWB: (are you fucking kidding me right now? internal dialogue): 4 ounces. this one is bigger. (indicating the cup that is in fact, larger)
TG: YEAH! i want that one. (mumbles to friend) i need to stay up late tonight (suggests interest in a lot of caffeine)
HWB: (exits stage left, makes 20 oz. vanilla (bean) latte) (returns with said latte)
That Girl's Friend: i want that too. 16 oz.
*Special note: HWB can make this drink very quickly because HWB recognized this duo as the kind who order the same thing but don't bother to tell the barista that until after the first one is made. HWB has steamed extra milk for this occasion.*
TG: (while second drink is being poured, to friend): oh you are NOT going to like this. are you sure you want to get it? it's really coffee-ey.
(sale of second drink is finalized, HWB moves on with her life and serves more desirable customer)
MOMENTS LATER
TG: (back at counter, eyebrows arching highly, looks confused): hi. um. is there any way that i could get a different drink? i don't like this one at all. like at all. like i can't even drink it, it's really coffee-ey.
HWB: (visibly annoyed and enjoying the visiblity): you ordered a 20oz. latte.
TG: (still confused): i know, and i order a LOT of vanilla lattes! like a LOT.
HWB: (thoroughly perplexed and beginning to wonder if TG is buying her flavored "lattes" from a push button machine at MiniMart.) you drink large lattes and you don't like coffee?
TG: yeah but they're usually like (facial contortions indicating further discomfort)...*TG never finishes this sentence*
HWB: (enjoying TG's discomfort more than a good person should) where do you get these lattes?
TG: Starbucks.
HWB: (sprouts horns)oh. yeah. that explains it.
TG: and they are like ...
HWB: sugar-water?
TG: sweet, not so coffee-ey.
HWB:what would you like instead?
TG: ummmm....chai tea? like chai latte? (actually asking)
HWB: sure
TG: (turning back to friend): i have been trying to get out of the habit of ordering only chai tea when i go places that aren't Starbucks. but...
HWB: but everywhere else you go lattes taste like coffee?
TG: yeah!
HWB: they are actually supposed to. here's your chai. (now get the fuck out of here (internal dialogue))

i am certain that only those of us who viscerally despise starbucks and any comparison of starbucks coffee to real coffee can relate to the importance of this exchange. to all others it is stupid and meaningless. i don't care. this blog is defined as my opportunity to write about the shit that pisses me off. so i do.