brain damage

i think i have brain damage. i am almost certain of it. i have made some fairly poor choices in my life and i am sure that a few of them, if they had labels, would have read: Caution, may cause brain damage. the term "brain damage" is so inappropriately overused that most people would probably laugh at my concern. but think about how shitty it is if it's true and i don't even know (for sure). i look back at my life and i definitely used to be much more intelligent than i am now. my concentration and focus was better too. and no one can say that it has anything to do with my last birthday, because i had this concern in my mid-20's. i have actually considered asking my doctor if there is a test that i could have performed on my brain to see if it has experienced any unreported trauma. but who wants to have that conversation? and who wants to take the chance that the doc might think: hmmmm, clearly a nutcase, lock her up. (one of my two deepest and most persistent fears is being locked up against my will and having to try to prove that i shouldn't be. watching the movie "nuts" screwed me up forever. SHE WAS NOT CRAZY!) the other obvious reason to avoid any clear confirmation of my worry is the very real possibility that it is true. then i will spend the rest of my life knowing that i have damaged my very own brain! yuck. and every day i will wonder: "how much smarter was i supposed to be?" on the brighter side, it could provide a solid excuse for EVERYTHING I DO for the rest of my life! "sorry, officer. i didn't mean to break any laws...(innocent shrug and facial contortion) brain damage." i'll have to marinate on that for a while... (name the movie)