things we did that were mean

every child partakes in some behaviors that would be frowned upon by responsible kind human beings. some partake more than others. i was an infrequent but effective offender.

• one time sara and i made a smaller child named myra eat pizza spices because somehow we were able to convince her that they were candy. she cried. sara laughed. and her mom called bette. i think we got in trouble, but i remember thinking: who falls for that? candy doesn't smell like green salsa and it doesn't look like seeds. she made that choice because she was dumb. that's not our fault. besides, sara thought of it.

• my dad used to fall asleep in his recliner a lot. he also snored a lot and often his mouth was wide open. that's just an invitation for deviance. i remember the day i imagined how funny it would be to wake up with something round and flavorful in your mouth. my dad did not seem to agree with my assessment. when he woke grumbling and spitting, the little orange cheezball, soggy with sleep drool falling from his mouth and tumbling down his chest, leaving a slimy trail of yellow #5 in his chest hair, he did not laugh. not that time and none of the subsequent times either. i think that was the first time he called me a "shit bird". i still don't know what that is.

• we must have been very nice children, because other than the masking tape in my brother's hair, which he deserved, i can't think of any more mean things. if i think of more, i will add a second "mean things" entry.