disturbed

monday morning i woke up from a dream that was so disturbing and upsetting to me that i immediately tried to justify to myself the presence of such horrible imagery in my own head. i tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad, that the content of the dream was relatively mild and only my feelings about it were so intense. i knew i was lying, so i moved on from that task. then i decided that the plot of my dream would make a good SVU episode and i thought that perhaps i should write it down. perhaps my true calling was emerging in my dreams. i dream disturbing things then i write them down and i become a mystery author. that thought was followed quickly by the concern that it would be far too telling or humiliating to reveal that i have the capacity to generate this kind of plot, consciously or subconsciously. that led to a long pondering of the authors of such disturbing media. how embarrassing, i thought. to put your name on such disgusting filth and proudly proclaim "it was my idea to have the antagonist rip the fetus out of the murdered rape victim!" (a real SVU plot, i didn't make that up) i wondered if the people who knew these writers as children are thinking, "wow, he's more fucked up than i thought!" or if the current friends and family think that perhaps someone with such thoughts isn't safe on the streets and perhaps should be locked up in a mental institution. (it would be just freakin' poetic for me to find my calling and have it lead to a long-term institutionalization.) all of these thoughts came rushing back and were absolutely confirmed for me last night when i watched the movie "Saw". i don't care who you are, that shit's just sick. i spent much of the movie with my hands over my face, to protect myself from the television, of course. but the parts that i did see caused me to pause the movie (god bless tivo) somewhere in the first 45 minutes and say to jan, "who thinks of this!?!?!" at this point we took a break from the movie in a feeble attempt to shake some of the grotesque imagery from our minds. i, of course, had to initiate a discussion about my concerns. "that character is unthinkably evil. what does that say about the person who created the character?" who has the capacity to invent such torturous devices? are they in a mental hospital? have they ever been? it should be considered. but in the end, i have to admit, i thought it was a good movie. what does that say about me?