another secret

post secret is truly one of the great delights of my week. humanity stripped of its face, name, identity and all things indicating accountability is fascinating. and endlessly disturbing. the weekly posts are my one moment of insight into the deepest agonies of complete strangers and thus, i conclude, also some of my own acquaintances. one can't go about assuming that the sickness and sadness of humanity is more than 3 degrees separated from one's own existence, right? if there are so many torutured souls all over the world, i must assume some of them are closer than i know. but i think that even among my closest friends, if i were to suggest that we share a conversation about our deepest secrets, (i.e. if you were to write to post secret, what would you reveal?), one of two things would happen. less likely: i would learn some very intense and horrible things about my friends; more likely: everyone would lie and make their "secret" quite benign.

this week's posts don't disappoint.

i am unsure of the issue of image rights with the post secret blog, so i will not be posting any of the pieces here, but i want to discuss one post card in particular. perhaps i shall email frank and ask him if i can borrow his images for the purpose of regular commentary. until then, clicking on the link will have to suffice.

"i gave up a child for adoption 25 years ago. she found me. i wish to god i had had the abortion instead." ~reads one of this week's cards. this was one of those post secret experiences that stops me dead and punches me in the chest. growing up with the regular adopted child mythologies like: "your mommy wanted you to have a good home" "she just wanted what was best for you" "she wasn't ready" "she loved you enough to know that she couldn't keep you" "she wanted you, she just didn't have enough money to raise you" blah blah blah, one becomes accustomed to the assumption and pure conjecture that anyone around knows anything about what this woman whom no one has met, was thinking. and they mean well, so we let them use their pacifying prefabricated tales. and when we grow up, we don't mention that we knew they were full of shit. we just continue on with the myth. for adoptive parents the entire concept is one that remains in the past. a long time ago, we got this baby because someone else didn't want this baby and now it is done. over. fin. some adoptive parents (if they are completely honest with themselves) probably have a few moments in which they think to themselves: why did we do this? i don't want this child either. and that is okay too. it's natural, we're just glad they keep that information from us. and for adopted kids, the entire event takes place in the past and the distant future. before, i was given up by my bio mom. some day, i might meet her. sometimes some day comes, sometimes not. and both parties, the kids and the adoptive parents, kind of ignore that there is another party involved in this triad. many of us never speak about the details or the emotions because it taps too many strong feelings that can't really be explained or resolved and the conversation just becomes incredibly uncomfortable. that, too, is okay. kids can find other people who are able to speak comfortably and listen without feeling threatened. the concept that is never addressed by the adoptive family is that the emotion and the impact continues into the present and future for the biological mother. it had never even one time occurred to me that a biological mother in an adoption triad would regret giving birth 25 years later. the adopted child's fantasy is that they will one day meet their bio mom and she will say " i wish i had never given you up! i love you! everything they told you was untrue, i never stopped wishing that you would come back to me someday!" but the meeting that leads to a secret like the one on post secret this week... i have honestly never even considered the possibility. for obvious reasons, probably. who would ever want to think about that?

i was going to go to my adoption agency and request contact info paperwork this week, assuming that i might go through with the search this time. i think i will put that on hold for now. i have to prepare for a whole new scenario. it's one thing to prepare for years for the news that your bio family still doesn't want to know you. it is another thing entirely to find out they wish you had never been born at all. still. that news carries a sting that i am not ready for just yet.