I Hate Fiction

i have been at the coffee house now for nearly 10 hours. i worked for 7 of those hours and for the last 2.5 i have been concocting a story about my friend Kristi. it is not a story about her so much as it is an accidental trip into the pathetic frumpiness of my imagination. when i started this task, i said that i was excited to make up a story about Kristi because i have never done that before. i have never made up any kind of story. i have been known to put a bit of a fictional spin on true stories, but that's only necessary because i have a terrible memory. chalk it up to interpretation. i learned this afternoon why i have never made up stories. when i do, i am no different from an 8th grader who suffers her first creative writing assignment in english class. the jokes are the same, the humor is equally as immature and the story is basically a stream of consciousness with a few proper nouns sprinkled in to masquerade as plot. i am like everyone else. 98% of first time fiction writers would write something as lame as i did today and one story would be indistinguishable from the next. all would rely on curses to force a pseudo humorous response. All would include mental illness of some kind. someone gets drunk in each story and several of the characters use terrible grammar. perhaps there is a misunderstanding or a moment of great danger that reveals the true inner self of the protagonist. everyone would include a mean teacher. the only thing i missed was a poop joke, but i did use the word "butt". what the hell was i thinking? i have to stick to telling stories about my funny family and dumb experiences. i am not going to make this mistake again. i write like an 8th grader and i make up the same stupid jokes as everyone else. in a writing submission one could only hope for fingerprints or anxiety-induced sweat droplets on the papers to tell us apart. DNA makes me special. and no one will ever read about Kristi's fake life. this certainly puts to eternal rest any question about the creative writing class.