is it really time for this?

i had to go to the mall last night. few things make me as irritable and temperamental as a trip to the local mall. while i was at the mall i had to go to hallmark. i have never liked hallmark stores. i can't exactly think of all of the reasons for this, but i know they are plenty. on a good day, hallmark is little more than a people trap. try to go into the nearest hallmark store and keep the trip to under 30 minutes. can't be done. i can't even do it and i want nothing more than to get out of there. but reading greeting cards is a trap that only the truly skillful or anti-social can escape. i went in there for a single birthday card for a friend who was celebrating her 29th birthday. before i knew it i was reading get well cards and happy 80th birthday cards and some sweet nauseating poem about how much the author loves and respects her father. how does this happen? is it everyone? is it an OCD thing? once i have read the front or even part of the front of a card, i am so strongly compelled to pick it up and read the inside that walking away or moving on to the appropriate card section is not even an option. each card i encountered was more insultingly stupid than the previous one and i couldn't freaking stop myself. damn it! and what is up with no more shoebox greeting card section? i circled that damn store three times, not a shoebox to be found! that was the hallmark's only redeeming factor for so long. jokes like: having another birthday? now your boobs are going to fall down! are not funny. aging or gaining weight or graying hair or eating too much birthday cake or lots of candles burning the house down...none of these things are funny. they are stupid and simple and not funny. i feel insulted at hallmark. and that makes me angry.
in addition. i know that i may be in the minority here, but yesterday was november 10 and when i walked into hallmark i was immediately assaulted by red and green and traditional christmas tunes. i just don't think we need this yet. i love christmas as much as the next gift-toting, santa hat-wearing, jingle bells-humming former christian who chuckles at any suggestion that this is still a religious holiday, but how long should christmas be, really? it has officially claimed all of november, and it doesn't seem interested in occupying very much of the early months since, contrary to it's own self-perception, it is actually a very traumatic and disturbing time for most u.s. americans (especially the ones who are constantly trying to change the appearance of their bodies or spend the other 11 months of the year recovering from the influence of their families) and by the time january first rolls around we are all ready to take a bic to the big tree in the family room. since the expansion conspiracy only seems to be moving in one direction i am beginning to get very nervous about my best day of the year, october 31. is there a day in our future when i will be blathering on from inside a padded room "what happened to the calendar i once knew? remember when "dress up day" was a day when we were allowed to wear something other than santa suits and elf tights? and why are all those children walking from door to door carrying christmas stockings? who changed the rules!?!?" i think it's coming. and i will protest and in protest i will decorate my big green tree in orange and black and i will go to the mall in a witch costume and tell the children that santa is still too exhausted from the last christmas so this year i am coming to their house to steal things and cast spells and summon the spirits of their dead ancestors. season's greetings.