here comes santa claus

i explicitly remember the very moment at which i knew beyond reasonable doubt that santa claus was a figment of adults' imaginations. i had been collecting evidence for quite some time and i finally had enough to bring it to the grand jury. i remember standing beside my mother in the hallway of our house as she dug for a cookbook or wrapping paper or any other of the wide variety of household items that made their home in the hall closet. i looked into my bedroom at the barbie mansion (that is what it was called but it looked more like a barbie tenement) which i had received the year before from santa. my mind flooded with all of the evidence i had been storing, waiting for the right moment to inform my parents that the jig is up. "mom, there is no such thing as santa, is there?" having never been a woman to go too far out of her way to cover up the santa scheme, it didn't seem to bother her at all that her younger child was finally on to her. but she did cross examine me (as her only available witness) and make a bit of a conversation out of the situation before just coming clean. "why do you say that?"
i rambled off my major points of undeniable proof.

• first, santa has always had your handwriting.
• second, once i saw some presents hidden downstairs that said they were from santa.
• third, you and dad always got really mad at us if we wouldn't go to bed on christmas eve.
• fourth, i heard you carrying presents in the middle of the night once on christmas eve.

my fifth exhibit was the clincher, and she knew she couldn't lie to this little detective any longer. for anyone who has read the post about my stuffed animals, this won't come as a surprise... one year as we were setting christmas cookies out for santa i said to my parents, "the reindeer have to do a lot of work too, but no one ever feeds them. what do you think they would like?" none of us knew exactly what reindeer generally feast on, so i decided on carrot sticks. that seemed like a reasonable treat for flying mammals. i took out 8 carrot sticks that were exactly the same size then searched for one that was a little bit bigger. "this one is for Rudolph. all of the other reindeer are so mean to him all the time, he deserves a bigger carrot. that'll teach those other reindeer to be nicer to him and maybe they will get better treats too." i even labeled the one that was for Rudolph so there would be no confusion. i woke up the next morning and ran downstairs to see what kind of delightful goodies santa had left for us. no cookies, no carrots, just presents. so far, all was well. then my mom announced that it was time to go upstairs for breakfast. i opened the refrigerator to get the milk or juice or whatever and what to my wondering eyes should appear!?! but 9 tiny carrot sticks back in the crisper, the largest one with a hole in it where the toothpick sign had been. i knew that no santa claus who was worth his weight in hershey's chocolate would have deprived his little drivers of a nutritious snack in the middle of a busy night. there was only one explanation. and when i presented my mother with an opportunity to explain this, she folded. she admitted to a lifetime of lies and misrepresentation. none of it is real. none of it. no santa, no toy shop at the north pole, no flying talking reindeer, no mrs. claus baking cookies and keeping her man fat. all a hoax. and all i could do was wonder, "Why?" why would adults do this? why make up this elaborate story with context and supporting characters and costumes in the mall? why when they have to spend unholy amounts of money to prove to their little darlings that they are loved would they allow some pretend person to take all the credit for that. it just doesn't make sense. it still doesn't make sense to me. i can't think of one thing about the santa myth that makes childhood qualitatively better than a childhood without such a distortion. my pretend kids are never going to hear about santa. i will just tell them that the santas who roam the streets at christmas time are there for kids who are a different religion from us. it's true enough.