pre-approved
it is so easy to be pre-approved. all you really need is a name and a physical address. and sometimes not even that. sometimes you can just be conscious in the general vacinity of a person whose job it is to say things like: you are pre-approved. i have been so pre-approved in my life! in college i was pre-approved to be insanely irresponsible and buy things i didn't need and eat out when i couldn't afford it and go on mini-vacations be
cause the hotels were fond of visa. i was pre-approved to give myself ulcers over the worry that i wouldn't ever figure out how to get out of this situation. i was pre-approved to owe mastercard so much money i would have to spend the money that my grandmother left me just to kind of catch up and breathe again. i was also pre-approved to fill the balance on that same mastercard right back up in about 2 months after losing my apartment to a stinky river. there was a lot of pre-approval to buy tanquaray at southgate bottle shop that same year. i was even lucky enough to be pre-approved to charge airline tickets every few months while i lived in NY just because it made me feel better to be able to see the people i wanted to see as frequently as i wanted to. i was fantastically pre-approved to collect cash advances in the form of quetzals so i could buy a lot of wooden and jade treasures in guatemala.
it's almost like grace, this pre-approval i have experienced. i should be grateful for the fact that i was liked, appreciated, trusted for no reason whatsoever except that i was me. pre-approved! approved of! people who had never met me, approved. wow. that must have felt wonderful!!
it wasn't long before folks didn't so much approve anymore. grace was good for me, because once merit stepped in, i found myself severely lacking in the approval arena. for a very long time, no one approved of me. i stopped getting letters that offered me automatic acceptance and started getting letters that suggested there had been some mistake in the tendency toward such blind approval. apparently i was not proving myself worthy of the benefit of the doubt, so to speak. i had a whole new set of stranger correspondants. no longer were enthusiastic strangers with numbers and percentages and fancy forms with little boxes writing to me to tell me how great they just assumed i must be. now it was some of their friends writing me letters to tell me what a disappointment i had turned out to be to all those people who trusted me before!
well, one can only live with this kind of constant reminder for so long. eventually one feels compelled to prove that one is worthy of approval! that one can do better! just watch! i will win your approval again! funny and alarming how easy that turned out to be. a few phone calls with a lot of humility and confession and commitment, a couple of months of reversing the downward spiral of interest accumulation and suddently i was once again worthy of the approval of
my old friends at visa and mastercard. they were sending me invitations to their parties again! little boxes for my name and new address and a place to check that i was interested in once again accepting their gracious love for me! what a bunch of idiots. 12 solid years of elusive dodging. 2 shaky months of small gestures toward improvement and suddenly they want me back in their club!? that kind of forgiveness really only belongs in church and it's questionable even there.
so after 12 years of ignoring phone calls and letting unopened mail pile up and eventally finding myself frozen in fear at the utterance of my real first name, "Michelle"... i will find myself in 4 short days finally free of the incredible expense of this kind of corporate grace. my last $430.72 will be deducted from my checking account by the target corporation and i will breathe more fully and deeply than i have since i was a pre-approved teen. and from this point on, i think i will have higher standards in friendship. i know myself well enough to know that anyone who is willing to blindly enter into contract with ME, ought not to be trusted in the least.
dear santa,
for christmas this year, i would like to have a paper shredder please, for all of the invitations to the parties that i am not allowed to attend anymore. and also, santa, please send me friends who like me for who i am. and a few dollars to toss at those damn pre-approving student loan people would be nice too!
love, shelly
cause the hotels were fond of visa. i was pre-approved to give myself ulcers over the worry that i wouldn't ever figure out how to get out of this situation. i was pre-approved to owe mastercard so much money i would have to spend the money that my grandmother left me just to kind of catch up and breathe again. i was also pre-approved to fill the balance on that same mastercard right back up in about 2 months after losing my apartment to a stinky river. there was a lot of pre-approval to buy tanquaray at southgate bottle shop that same year. i was even lucky enough to be pre-approved to charge airline tickets every few months while i lived in NY just because it made me feel better to be able to see the people i wanted to see as frequently as i wanted to. i was fantastically pre-approved to collect cash advances in the form of quetzals so i could buy a lot of wooden and jade treasures in guatemala.it's almost like grace, this pre-approval i have experienced. i should be grateful for the fact that i was liked, appreciated, trusted for no reason whatsoever except that i was me. pre-approved! approved of! people who had never met me, approved. wow. that must have felt wonderful!!
it wasn't long before folks didn't so much approve anymore. grace was good for me, because once merit stepped in, i found myself severely lacking in the approval arena. for a very long time, no one approved of me. i stopped getting letters that offered me automatic acceptance and started getting letters that suggested there had been some mistake in the tendency toward such blind approval. apparently i was not proving myself worthy of the benefit of the doubt, so to speak. i had a whole new set of stranger correspondants. no longer were enthusiastic strangers with numbers and percentages and fancy forms with little boxes writing to me to tell me how great they just assumed i must be. now it was some of their friends writing me letters to tell me what a disappointment i had turned out to be to all those people who trusted me before!
well, one can only live with this kind of constant reminder for so long. eventually one feels compelled to prove that one is worthy of approval! that one can do better! just watch! i will win your approval again! funny and alarming how easy that turned out to be. a few phone calls with a lot of humility and confession and commitment, a couple of months of reversing the downward spiral of interest accumulation and suddently i was once again worthy of the approval of
my old friends at visa and mastercard. they were sending me invitations to their parties again! little boxes for my name and new address and a place to check that i was interested in once again accepting their gracious love for me! what a bunch of idiots. 12 solid years of elusive dodging. 2 shaky months of small gestures toward improvement and suddenly they want me back in their club!? that kind of forgiveness really only belongs in church and it's questionable even there.so after 12 years of ignoring phone calls and letting unopened mail pile up and eventally finding myself frozen in fear at the utterance of my real first name, "Michelle"... i will find myself in 4 short days finally free of the incredible expense of this kind of corporate grace. my last $430.72 will be deducted from my checking account by the target corporation and i will breathe more fully and deeply than i have since i was a pre-approved teen. and from this point on, i think i will have higher standards in friendship. i know myself well enough to know that anyone who is willing to blindly enter into contract with ME, ought not to be trusted in the least.
dear santa,
for christmas this year, i would like to have a paper shredder please, for all of the invitations to the parties that i am not allowed to attend anymore. and also, santa, please send me friends who like me for who i am. and a few dollars to toss at those damn pre-approving student loan people would be nice too!
love, shelly
posted by shelly at 12/09/2006 11:58:00 AM
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