is this really necessary

when bathroom readers first began to show up on the bookshelves of my beloved bookstores and soon after in the water closets of a few acquaintances, i winced and a bit of a shudder ran through me. should people really draw this much attention to the fact that it takes them so long to defecate that a 300-page book becomes a good idea? am i the only one who gets a little bit of throw up in the back of the throat when i gaze upon a book whose sole purpose for existence is to sit on the lap of a person who is excreting objects and odors? granted the throw up is only partly due to the book and largely due to the unholy sight of the spray-painted wicker basket with a white cartoon goose, crafted with a bitter husband's jig saw and wearing a blue ribbon around its pathetic neck, wired to it. there may be some decorative towels or colorful raffia propping the literature up, displaying it as though it is literary royalty in this household. in other homes, the book may be lying casually on the tank of the stool, proudly proclaiming its presence to guests, begging to be picked up and perused. herein lies one of the most disturbing issues regarding the bathroom reader. this may be my (undiagnosed, still) OCD or it may be the fact that i am not a person who reads while i poo, but there is something fundamentally wrong with sharing this material. when you are a guest in someone else's home, there are rules. first rule: don't poop in someone else's house. it's weird. second rule: don't act like their house is your house. third rule: remember that a bathroom that is not your own and you have not cleaned with your own hands, should be assumed to have fecal matter and spit all over it. even and perhaps especially on any and all reading materials. if you are going to read someone else's pooping book, you may as well reach down beside you into the trash receptacle and re-use their damp tissue. share and share alike! now home owners, you are not innocent in this situation either. under no circumstances should visitors have access to anything you hold while you poop. put that nonsense away when you are expecting company! and never ever under any fathomable condition should a bathroom reader be spotted in a room other than your bathroom. if you have a bathroom reader on your coffee table and guests witness this, you may as well display a sign that reads: beware of poop on table. or better yet: feel free to poop on the table. let's just have a big bathroom book burning and be done with this once and for all. i know what some of you are thinking because people have informed me, "but shelly! it's some innerestin' stuff they put in them potty books! you cain't git fax like them innywhere else!" (i don't know anyone who talks like this, but i just couldn't help myself) if it is absolutely necessary to keep these blasted things around, fine. but yesterday i went to barnes & noble and witnessed one of the truest UN-necessities of life. a whole line of books in the shape of toilet lids. who creates the demand for that? and WHO are the AD wizards who CAME up with THIS one? i demand an IQ test. i should re-test myself, in fact, because i think i felt a few million brain cells commit suicide as a result of learning that toilet lid books exist.