where have i been?
i see that it has been a while since i last blathered on for an anonymous public "audience". i should have some time today, so here i am.
some fantastic things have happened since i last graced blogger. some really dull and stupid things too. naturally i am going to talk about all of it. among the highlights of the spring... two days ago i won my very first ebay auction. i first lost 4 and was becoming excessively irritable. i am not designed for the kind of anonymous cut-throat rivalry that ebay offers. if i am going to lose in the final seconds of a race, i need to know who to hate at the end. i was fairly scowly and slouched by the time i won. then, like the child that i am, i was overwhelmed with delight. jumping up and down and clapping and announcing to everyone in the coffee house that i won!!! it's embarrassing. it's who i am. the best part is that the item i was bidding on was my very own laptop computer. dude, i'm gettin' a refurbished dell. i have wanted my own laptop for some time now, but the price was just way out of my league. duh. ebay. and the clincher? jan bought it for me. she's the best partner ever! so in a few days, i will have that laptop i have been dreaming of. and i might never go to work again!
in other news... i watched my first marathon yesterday. it was actually quite interesting. i wasn't quite as moved to consider participating in next year's event as some of the people around me, but i eventually came to view it as one of those things that i have never done and can't think of a good reason not to try. i can think of plenty of reasons not to do it, but they all include things like laziness, lack of motivation, disbelief that i could actually do it. no good reasons really exist for not trying it. a few hours later i got home and chased my dog across the yard--approximately 40 yards. i immediately began to re-think the marathon plan. it's a lot to ask of a body to attempt to recover from 15 years of smoking AND think ahead to a 26.2 mile torture trail.
i do love a hard physical challenge. (that just reminded me of Double Dare...what a fucked up show!) i like to start a new fitness regimen and watch as the changes begin. it's fascinating to me how the human body grows and shrinks and morphs from one shape to another. love it. so far, that morphing has occurred exclusively in the weight room. my meager attempts to make things happen cardiovascularly have left a bit to be desired. namely, cardiovascular fitness. i think there is a very simple psycological reason for this. not psychological as in disordered but psychological as in deeply-rooted, long-standing, part of one's self-understanding.
along the twisted, permutating path of life, i believe each of us receives messages about our own capabilities that stick and last and become a part of how we perceive ourselves. i don't mean to suggest that this occurs maliciously; it's just how we invent ourselves. here are a few of the things i picked up and used to craft what i have come to know as myself;.
--i can't wear red. don't know why, mom said it when i was very young. i always thought it to be true. interestingly, three of my first 4 studio portraits as a very young child, my mom had me dressed in red. apparently it was an ability i once had, but lost along the way.
--i am athletic, not smart. i finally outgrew this one in college, but it took that long. i guess when siblings interact with the world, they must be categorized. i could throw a ball and lift heavy things, so i lost out on the intelligence designation. expectations were low and i met them for a very long time. sad, but at least i got to play a lot of sports.
--from my track coaches, i learned that i have "fast-twitch" muscles, making me an excellent sprinter, but useless for anything longer than 400 meters. i took this very seriously. i haven't tried to run for any significant distance since i learned this. and it is entirely possible that i never will.
--i got a bit of a complex from my volleyball coaches through the years that short kids can't be hitters. so i didn't really try. i just threw myself all over the floor picking up the digs that the tall girls didn't block. at the age of 30, in city league play, i learned that if one has a decent vertical, 5'4" is plenty of height for a power-hitter. but i am still kind of afraid to try. i will work on that.
--"boys won't want to date girls who beat them at arm-wrestling". this from a history teacher who observed a tournament during study hall. turns out this one has no bearing on my life. but for the record, i think some boys would.
--a few teachers and coaches, in a very misguided attempt to address what they must have thought was a low self-image problem, informed me at the age of 12, 13, 14-ish that i am "not built to be skinny". huh? don't know, no longer care...
--staying with the body-dysmorphia theme... a man once told me that women's abdomens have to have a curvy protrusion at the bottom. that's the uterus. i learned a few years later from my gyno that when it isn't full of fetus, the uterus is about the size of a walnut. why do people just make shit up?
there are so many more, but let's move on...
to be fair, i do have fast-twitch muscles, but i no longer sprint; i have no idea how i look in red, not different from how i look in pink or yellow, i think; i am not nor have i ever been "skinny"; and i am only familiar with my uterus as an empty vessel. some of this shit may be true, but most of it seems very much like the kind of stuff that just doesn't have to be said.
just for fun: a friend told me when we were 9 that i "pee loud". that didn't have much of an impact on how i perceive myself, but i do recall being incredibly confused. is urinary loudness a variable controlled by individuals or by toilets? you tell me.
some fantastic things have happened since i last graced blogger. some really dull and stupid things too. naturally i am going to talk about all of it. among the highlights of the spring... two days ago i won my very first ebay auction. i first lost 4 and was becoming excessively irritable. i am not designed for the kind of anonymous cut-throat rivalry that ebay offers. if i am going to lose in the final seconds of a race, i need to know who to hate at the end. i was fairly scowly and slouched by the time i won. then, like the child that i am, i was overwhelmed with delight. jumping up and down and clapping and announcing to everyone in the coffee house that i won!!! it's embarrassing. it's who i am. the best part is that the item i was bidding on was my very own laptop computer. dude, i'm gettin' a refurbished dell. i have wanted my own laptop for some time now, but the price was just way out of my league. duh. ebay. and the clincher? jan bought it for me. she's the best partner ever! so in a few days, i will have that laptop i have been dreaming of. and i might never go to work again!
in other news... i watched my first marathon yesterday. it was actually quite interesting. i wasn't quite as moved to consider participating in next year's event as some of the people around me, but i eventually came to view it as one of those things that i have never done and can't think of a good reason not to try. i can think of plenty of reasons not to do it, but they all include things like laziness, lack of motivation, disbelief that i could actually do it. no good reasons really exist for not trying it. a few hours later i got home and chased my dog across the yard--approximately 40 yards. i immediately began to re-think the marathon plan. it's a lot to ask of a body to attempt to recover from 15 years of smoking AND think ahead to a 26.2 mile torture trail.
i do love a hard physical challenge. (that just reminded me of Double Dare...what a fucked up show!) i like to start a new fitness regimen and watch as the changes begin. it's fascinating to me how the human body grows and shrinks and morphs from one shape to another. love it. so far, that morphing has occurred exclusively in the weight room. my meager attempts to make things happen cardiovascularly have left a bit to be desired. namely, cardiovascular fitness. i think there is a very simple psycological reason for this. not psychological as in disordered but psychological as in deeply-rooted, long-standing, part of one's self-understanding.
along the twisted, permutating path of life, i believe each of us receives messages about our own capabilities that stick and last and become a part of how we perceive ourselves. i don't mean to suggest that this occurs maliciously; it's just how we invent ourselves. here are a few of the things i picked up and used to craft what i have come to know as myself;.
--i can't wear red. don't know why, mom said it when i was very young. i always thought it to be true. interestingly, three of my first 4 studio portraits as a very young child, my mom had me dressed in red. apparently it was an ability i once had, but lost along the way.
--i am athletic, not smart. i finally outgrew this one in college, but it took that long. i guess when siblings interact with the world, they must be categorized. i could throw a ball and lift heavy things, so i lost out on the intelligence designation. expectations were low and i met them for a very long time. sad, but at least i got to play a lot of sports.
--from my track coaches, i learned that i have "fast-twitch" muscles, making me an excellent sprinter, but useless for anything longer than 400 meters. i took this very seriously. i haven't tried to run for any significant distance since i learned this. and it is entirely possible that i never will.
--i got a bit of a complex from my volleyball coaches through the years that short kids can't be hitters. so i didn't really try. i just threw myself all over the floor picking up the digs that the tall girls didn't block. at the age of 30, in city league play, i learned that if one has a decent vertical, 5'4" is plenty of height for a power-hitter. but i am still kind of afraid to try. i will work on that.
--"boys won't want to date girls who beat them at arm-wrestling". this from a history teacher who observed a tournament during study hall. turns out this one has no bearing on my life. but for the record, i think some boys would.
--a few teachers and coaches, in a very misguided attempt to address what they must have thought was a low self-image problem, informed me at the age of 12, 13, 14-ish that i am "not built to be skinny". huh? don't know, no longer care...
--staying with the body-dysmorphia theme... a man once told me that women's abdomens have to have a curvy protrusion at the bottom. that's the uterus. i learned a few years later from my gyno that when it isn't full of fetus, the uterus is about the size of a walnut. why do people just make shit up?
there are so many more, but let's move on...
to be fair, i do have fast-twitch muscles, but i no longer sprint; i have no idea how i look in red, not different from how i look in pink or yellow, i think; i am not nor have i ever been "skinny"; and i am only familiar with my uterus as an empty vessel. some of this shit may be true, but most of it seems very much like the kind of stuff that just doesn't have to be said.
just for fun: a friend told me when we were 9 that i "pee loud". that didn't have much of an impact on how i perceive myself, but i do recall being incredibly confused. is urinary loudness a variable controlled by individuals or by toilets? you tell me.
posted by shelly at 5/21/2006 08:51:00 AM
2 Comments:
congrats on the laptop. I am a teensy bit afraid of ebay. I've never actually tried to use it. I don't really "get" it... True confessions. ;)
On a sidenote, I was just glancing back through what you'd written and I swear for a split second I thought I saw the word "sphincter" and right above it "fast-twitch muscles..." I paused for a second and thought WOW. How did I miss that? And then I realize it said "sprinter" .... oh my. Imagine a blog entry all about your fast twitching sphincter.
gross
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