browsing

i went to a store about 15 minutes ago. just to browse. this is so hard for me. not because i must buy things or i have some kind of strange addiction to superfluous spending. it is hard for me for the same reason that i can't go to yard sales or small boutiques. i can't deal with the awkward moment of walking out without making a purchase. i feel guilty. especially at yard sales, but it is slowly spreading to regular stores too. i have always been this way. when i was much younger i had to buy some piece of crap something everywhere i went because the discomfort was more than i could handle. now i can escape purchase-free, but i spend at least 10 minutes strategizing my escape. i know that store clerks and garage owners likely don't take my rejection of their inventory personally, but i can't help but feel that walking away without making a purchase is like saying, "none of your crappy shit is good enough for me! have a nice day!" it is so hard to navigate my way toward the exit without that uncomfortable "thank you!" from a clerk. "thank you!" thank me for what? thank me for nothing, that's what. it is downright impossible to escape a garage sale. i can linger for an hour trying to figure out how to get away without hearing "thanks for stopping by!" i hate that!! why don't they just say "thanks for coming here and looking at all of the crap that we have collected and treasured for years and thinking that it all sucks too much for you!" i can honestly spend hours trying to find something that someone i know might have some use for. eventually i just look for items that might make excellent gag gifts. when i find myself in the yard of someone with an obvious affection for items of a particular religious persuasion, i am all about it. no guilt here, i buy up every glow in the dark cross and godly sexuality book i can get my sinning little paws on. i love that shit. and my circle of friends has quite a collection by the end of each summer. but those garage sales that only have tattered plaid button shirts, rib-rubbing lee jeans and home interiors brand wall sconces present a bigger problem. at real stores i plot my escape by watching the clerks and dashing out the door when they have their backs to me. at yard sales, this type of behavior tends to inspire suspicion. i know that it should be obvious that if i am not interested in dropping 35 cents for a coffee mug that reads "i {heart} Seattle" then i am also not very likely to steal said mug. but i can't help but wonder... if a strange young woman with desperation and guilt in her eyes is standing in a garage for 45 minutes, shifty and nervous, that is weird enough. if that same young woman darts down the street into the safe zone (the safe zone being anywhere outside of audible range when someone shouts "thanks for stopping!") within seconds of the moment that the money-keeper in the teal stretchy pants steps into the house to refill her glass of crystal light, isn't there something questionable about that. so that escape method is out of the question. thus i have a large collection of christian paraphernalia, several unused cheap beer steins and some mystery novels that don't appeal to me in the least. and a couple of my male friends have some very lovely sparkly bikinis that i encourage them to wear every time we use our friends' hot tub.