hungry

so i think i had a dream last night that i had to go to an al-anon meeting. what a sucky dream. i am always happy to wake and realize that i do not have to attend a support group of any kind. if i were going to however, these days i think it would be an overeater’s anonymous group i would have to join. should we talk about how i have gained 9 pounds in two weeks because i think that i have to eat everything i see. well, almost everything... there are still no doritos or kraft mac & cheese dinners in my world, but everything that isn’t preserved in pine-sol is pretty much fair game. perhaps i will offer a list of my consumptions yesterday.
in the morning i had a chocolate chip cookie, because that is the champion’s breakfast.
later i had a cinnamon scone because it was there.
on my way out a monster cookie called my name and i replied, “why, sure!”
a boca burger with provolone rounded out the first half of the day. and i entered my evening feeling like the health nut that i am often wrongly accused of being.
there was a fruit bar in my life somewhere in the middle part of the day.
i walked past a cheese pizza early in the evening, so naturally i had to give that a taste. it was free for the taking after all, and i have no internal sensor for hunger or satiation, apparently.
half of a very illustrious brownie followed the pizza scraps. i was probably pretty full, but it was a brownie for god’s sake! i ate it.
i managed to not eat anything from about 7:30 until 9:15, but then i started up again. having already identified that i was NOT hungry and did not need any more sustenance for the day, i went to a restaurant with a friend who was legitimately hungry, and i ordered some fried mozzarella (something i haven’t eaten in months and don’t exactly enjoy, but that doesn’t seem to matter any more.) fried cheese, raspberry tea and a dash of water wrapped up my day. i may very well have eaten something else when i got home, but i was very tired and don't recall whether i did or not. all of my recent memories of myself in my kitchen include shoving something into my mouth, so i probably did.

i look pregnant. i am probably going to have a heart attack from rapid weight gain and when the emergency room personnel drag me in on the special extra-wide stretcher, they will say, careful with her, she’s with child! how confused they will be when the autopsy reveals not a fetus, but 19 pounds of snacks.

my frame does not well-accommodate a sudden 9 pound acquisition. i am a little top-heavy. i have to lean back in order to avoid being pulled forward and downward by my ample new midsection. i wonder how many things i will eat today that i actually hate. i think i have a problem. i do seem to be unable to stop myself. i am powerless over empty, nutritionless calories.

that’s the first step, huh? shit.