an open memo to irritable customers...

from those of us who are paid to serve you...

there are a few things you need to know-

most importantly during this particular time of year when everyone seems to walk around with flames in their eyes and strain in their jaw muscles, it is essential that we have a discussion about what is my fault and what is your problem because you have poor coping skills. when you approach a food or beverage counter, and you don't know what to order because you left your brain next to the credit card swiper at target and you didn't write your coffee preference on your christmas list or in your weekly planner....the only two things that seem to keep midwestern society moving these days...you do not have the right to suggest in any direct or passive aggressive or even gestural way that this is my problem. let me inform you of some details that are important here. if you can't decide on a latte flavor and you also can't function because for some reason you insist on being "stressed out", my presence on the other side of the counter is not intended to taunt and mock you. i do not attempt to pressure you in any way. i don't care what kind of latte you want and if i am already standing there and there are no other stressballs behind you, fucking ponder all day for all i care. but DO NOT glare at me and tsk as though the decision is difficult enough without my badgering. here's some news... i am actually paid to stand there and wait quietly, awkwardly and uncomfortably for you to make a decision and then report it to me. were i to wander off in order to make your physical space more zen, i would not get paid and frankly you would be pissed!!! so stop shaking your head and scrunching up your eyebrows at me. and order a 16 oz skinny vanilla latte. that's what you are going to get anyway and we all know it!

part 2.
since your brain has been misplaced and you don't know what the hell you are doing... ever... many of you will misspeak from time to time. if you do this while ordering a particular food or beverage item, you should know that we have no way of knowing this. we can only assume you meant what you said, so that is what you are going to get. so watch your tone while you correct yourself and try to lighten up on the suggestion that this is somehow my error. and for god's sake just take the shit you ordered.... i'm busy.

a third thought...
i have a simple list of food and beverage-ordering rules in my life and i think many would be wise to follow suit.
here's the basic formula: i don't order a consumable item of any kind if:
1. i can't pronounce it (i can't take the chance that the food item that i was going to pretend to know is actually italian for "hog hair")
2. i can't reasonably define the dish or drink... eg. mocha= chocolate, steamed milk, espresso;
brewed coffee= coffee that is brewed; breve= the replacement of steamed milk with half&half in milk-containing, espresso-based beverages
3. i don't have at least a vague image in my mind of what this thing will look like when it arrives

these are good rules in a coffee house. understandably, some of the pronunciations take some practice....fine. take your time and i will help you with that. but it is one thing to be unsure of how to pronounce "capp-u-cci-no" it is another thing entirely to look at me as though i just peed in your cup when you receive a beverage that is deceptively light and topped with a great deal of foamy substance. that's what it is. and you should have known that because you ordered it. know what you are ordering, people! and if you don't know ASK ME!!! i do know and i am more than willing to tell you. i prefer that to later hearing "oh...i didn't know it was like that!! no. i don't think i want that." too bad!!! next!!!!!!