Rent-A-Love
i think i am going to start a new business. a business that is directed at a very specific clientele with a very specific set of needs.
overall, as i have suggested before, i find living alone to be a very relaxing, tranquil, pleasing way to go about one's life. i enjoy the freedoms of waking and sleeping, working and playing, cleaning and slothing at my own pace and on my own schedule. there is certainly plenty to be said for the company and comfort of another's presence... if you go in for that kind of thing... but this way serves me well. with one major exception. sick time. living alone and being single when you are sick totally sucks.
so i think there should be a "rent-a-love" industry. not a rent-a-lov"er" industry, as that nomenclature too strongly suggests some kind of sexual activity that is far off the radar for most during sick time. but rent-a-love is simply about sending out professional care-takers to do all of the things for a sick person that someone who loves them would do if said person existed. there are, of course, limitations and rules to something like this.
for example: the rented care-giver must be a stranger. if we were meant to rely on our friends for this kind of thing there would be no need for the service and performing it for our friends wouldn't be quite so aggravating.
the duties of the rented assistant certainly would vary depending on the severity of the case, which brings me to another necessary boundary: this service is for temporary, minor illness and injury only. in fact, a main criterion of the appropriate client could be that seeking the service is in itself, an over-reaction and a bit dramatic. this is for people who have a cold that demands time at home on the couch and re-runs of roseanne. people who have a stomach virus and need someone to continually provide replacement fluids. people who can't stand long enough to heat soup because their migraine is so bad it makes them dizzy, but they are in desperate need of soup because nutritional deprivation has become a prime source of the migraine.
for someone who is actually ill with something real, call in the real experts. hospice will do their thing for the genuine cases and rent-a-love will kick in for the whiney little snifflers who just need some attention. rented helpers will be there to bring the tylenol and the thermometer. they will force the client to swallow little plastic capsful of yucky tasting cough syrup and offer comforting words like "it has codeine". they will heat the water for the "theraflu" and bring huge bottles of water to chase it in order to wash away the horrible flavor of said medication. rentals will be there for the little things like picking up the remote control after it has slidden off the pillow and onto the floor, just out of reach. they will bring and operate the heating pad for the chills and the ice pack for the fever. fluff the pillow, change the channel, bring the tissues and the bucket, cook the soup. rented loves will do it all. and most importantly, rent-a-love staff will be tolerant of those who weep and sob and become giant toddlers when they have an owwie-head. clients will be allowed to cry as if they lost their puppy, drool as though their faces have become paralyzed and whine as though their daddies are leaving them at day care for the first time. for this reason, in fact, it is best that anyone who is interested in working as a rental has some prior experience as a day care provider. how many jobs have that kind of prerequisite?!
overall, as i have suggested before, i find living alone to be a very relaxing, tranquil, pleasing way to go about one's life. i enjoy the freedoms of waking and sleeping, working and playing, cleaning and slothing at my own pace and on my own schedule. there is certainly plenty to be said for the company and comfort of another's presence... if you go in for that kind of thing... but this way serves me well. with one major exception. sick time. living alone and being single when you are sick totally sucks.
so i think there should be a "rent-a-love" industry. not a rent-a-lov"er" industry, as that nomenclature too strongly suggests some kind of sexual activity that is far off the radar for most during sick time. but rent-a-love is simply about sending out professional care-takers to do all of the things for a sick person that someone who loves them would do if said person existed. there are, of course, limitations and rules to something like this.
for example: the rented care-giver must be a stranger. if we were meant to rely on our friends for this kind of thing there would be no need for the service and performing it for our friends wouldn't be quite so aggravating.
the duties of the rented assistant certainly would vary depending on the severity of the case, which brings me to another necessary boundary: this service is for temporary, minor illness and injury only. in fact, a main criterion of the appropriate client could be that seeking the service is in itself, an over-reaction and a bit dramatic. this is for people who have a cold that demands time at home on the couch and re-runs of roseanne. people who have a stomach virus and need someone to continually provide replacement fluids. people who can't stand long enough to heat soup because their migraine is so bad it makes them dizzy, but they are in desperate need of soup because nutritional deprivation has become a prime source of the migraine.
for someone who is actually ill with something real, call in the real experts. hospice will do their thing for the genuine cases and rent-a-love will kick in for the whiney little snifflers who just need some attention. rented helpers will be there to bring the tylenol and the thermometer. they will force the client to swallow little plastic capsful of yucky tasting cough syrup and offer comforting words like "it has codeine". they will heat the water for the "theraflu" and bring huge bottles of water to chase it in order to wash away the horrible flavor of said medication. rentals will be there for the little things like picking up the remote control after it has slidden off the pillow and onto the floor, just out of reach. they will bring and operate the heating pad for the chills and the ice pack for the fever. fluff the pillow, change the channel, bring the tissues and the bucket, cook the soup. rented loves will do it all. and most importantly, rent-a-love staff will be tolerant of those who weep and sob and become giant toddlers when they have an owwie-head. clients will be allowed to cry as if they lost their puppy, drool as though their faces have become paralyzed and whine as though their daddies are leaving them at day care for the first time. for this reason, in fact, it is best that anyone who is interested in working as a rental has some prior experience as a day care provider. how many jobs have that kind of prerequisite?!
posted by shelly at 3/05/2007 12:04:00 PM
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